Long time Im not in the best shape...... I am being humbled beyond belief. SHits hitting the fan but im ... hold on. Dont reckon i have much to hold on to.
I no longer trust any human being ......
I have been through some rough shit lately. and i kept running from God. Saying i could do it on my own. saying i I hate christians their judgmental ass holes. ( which most are). I lost some good friends over that thought.
im soooo broken God is really working a new in me ......
I am reading vintage church and he talks about reading the bible not just for information but for transformation.
I have always loved God and knew he was my savior. I just never lived a good life a christ called life.
i always sought attention from men and anyone who could give it to me.....
I drank way to much and
my MOUTH i talked so much shit and gossip. I lied and tore up peoples lives and .... now here i am .... broken and getting everything i deserve back 1o folds. I am in so much pain.
but.....
through all this i am going to still hold my head up high and make the step towards a christ like life.
I know i am going to mess up and fall agian.... but I am going to freaking try..... I am at the bottom theres no where to go but up. I need to finally turn to the one whos not going to leave me lie to me talk about me give me dirty looks. but who will love me teach me and walk with me regardless of who I am or what i have done.
God really is the core to my life. always has been. but i never changed my living ..... i just ran about ... selfishly.
and it took me forever to realize it.
I could use prayer
this is a really humbling experience
Im in so much pain right now..... and people /men/ drinking/ drugs/cutting/the world is not going to help me. my familys approval my sisters smiles of acceptance will not get me through this but....GOds love will
Gods teaching
God is the only one true answer in all this...... I kept running but i cant anymore.
i could use prayer ....
this is going to be hard for me....
I can do this . I can have confidence my God is for me.
and I will live christ like not cause i am a christian alone but because christ lives in me ......
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
any preconceived ideas were blown away.
Long time. I hope your okay friend. I talked to kate for an hour or so last night. it was good. she sent me her play list and i love it... thanks kate. Im back to listening to....
pedro the lion and
jessica lea mayfield
the avett brothers and
the everybodyfields
missy higgins.
Some old against me
and bright eyes.
I have not been working lately Im broke beyond belief but im okay. I have just enough to survive living on my own and that is all i need.
Im watching lots of christmas moives.
I've been drinking to much. but sometimes life is clearer when you've had your fill on whiskey and coke :)
Ive required a list of banned books and have started the process of reading them all.
I've been studying the parables of the bible mostly in matthew. Im stuck on chap. 22. let me explain.
" for many are invited, but few are chosen. "
"The king noticed a man not wearing wedding clothes and asked him how he got in there without wedding clothes"
I wondering what this all means. Is God picky? I am just lost.
Im singing sara groves "fly" in kori's wedding Im excited I love her so much. She has grown so much in the years that I have known her :)
I am joining a prayer group at reality monday nights starting next monday. I have decided. I need to make new friends. Not that the ones I have are bad. Just I need christian ones.
I need to write more too. Not here just in my notebooks.
I really think I am growing up. If that means finding out who I am sure why the heck not. me and kate talked about connecting with people and how we can not find that connection we have together with anyone else. We decided maybe that connection only comes along in ones life every once in a while and to cherish it.
Bring on the world ....... I invite you to walk with me :)
pedro the lion and
jessica lea mayfield
the avett brothers and
the everybodyfields
missy higgins.
Some old against me
and bright eyes.
I have not been working lately Im broke beyond belief but im okay. I have just enough to survive living on my own and that is all i need.
Im watching lots of christmas moives.
I've been drinking to much. but sometimes life is clearer when you've had your fill on whiskey and coke :)
Ive required a list of banned books and have started the process of reading them all.
I've been studying the parables of the bible mostly in matthew. Im stuck on chap. 22. let me explain.
" for many are invited, but few are chosen. "
"The king noticed a man not wearing wedding clothes and asked him how he got in there without wedding clothes"
I wondering what this all means. Is God picky? I am just lost.
Im singing sara groves "fly" in kori's wedding Im excited I love her so much. She has grown so much in the years that I have known her :)
I am joining a prayer group at reality monday nights starting next monday. I have decided. I need to make new friends. Not that the ones I have are bad. Just I need christian ones.
I need to write more too. Not here just in my notebooks.
I really think I am growing up. If that means finding out who I am sure why the heck not. me and kate talked about connecting with people and how we can not find that connection we have together with anyone else. We decided maybe that connection only comes along in ones life every once in a while and to cherish it.
Bring on the world ....... I invite you to walk with me :)
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
update
Abandonment.
Update.
baby isaac was born.
Im excited for isaac to be born to two loving parents. my sister and brother in law are great. and Im siked for them to enter parenthood together.
I went to women of faith. I do not really like huge christian gatherings. even though i should. anyways overall it was amazing. i got to spend time with some good friends and I got to be in portland with school friends also so overall totally worth the trip. there was a speaker there that talked about abandonment and that subject is not really a subject people talk about. Its hard to be abandoned. Its not right. and to recover from abandonment is super hard. WIth God though its possible.
THe phillies r my pic to win the world series i want to see jamie moyer to get a ring probably the last chance he has to get one.
Im still going to reality. Ive been really frustrated with church lately more than usual. I can almost say I hate different denominations so much that it make me want to puke. It makes me so mad that there are so many different types of churches and we just cant seem to work together. It makes me never want to step foot in a church again.
My younger sister is moving out to oly. and working costco seasonal. aka she is growing up and i am just going to have to get used to it. :)
Im still deciding what i want to do when my lease is up if i want to stay or move home and go to school again. or portland or who knows. anyhoo
Ive met a lot of people lately and have been having a lot of fun. I love meeting new people and building friendships. And Im slowly learning to just let things be and stop throwing my drama like ways into everything....
anyhoo thats me in a nutshell. where im at. hope your all well if you read this all the way through i love ya :)
Update.
baby isaac was born.
Im excited for isaac to be born to two loving parents. my sister and brother in law are great. and Im siked for them to enter parenthood together.
I went to women of faith. I do not really like huge christian gatherings. even though i should. anyways overall it was amazing. i got to spend time with some good friends and I got to be in portland with school friends also so overall totally worth the trip. there was a speaker there that talked about abandonment and that subject is not really a subject people talk about. Its hard to be abandoned. Its not right. and to recover from abandonment is super hard. WIth God though its possible.
THe phillies r my pic to win the world series i want to see jamie moyer to get a ring probably the last chance he has to get one.
Im still going to reality. Ive been really frustrated with church lately more than usual. I can almost say I hate different denominations so much that it make me want to puke. It makes me so mad that there are so many different types of churches and we just cant seem to work together. It makes me never want to step foot in a church again.
My younger sister is moving out to oly. and working costco seasonal. aka she is growing up and i am just going to have to get used to it. :)
Im still deciding what i want to do when my lease is up if i want to stay or move home and go to school again. or portland or who knows. anyhoo
Ive met a lot of people lately and have been having a lot of fun. I love meeting new people and building friendships. And Im slowly learning to just let things be and stop throwing my drama like ways into everything....
anyhoo thats me in a nutshell. where im at. hope your all well if you read this all the way through i love ya :)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
let me be your lighthouse.
today I opened on carts. it rained.
leaves were blowing everywhere.
and it was freezing. I ate oatmeal for lunch.
and had to rub my arms to stay warm.
and
i loved it all
fall is here and its about time .
leaves were blowing everywhere.
and it was freezing. I ate oatmeal for lunch.
and had to rub my arms to stay warm.
and
i loved it all
fall is here and its about time .
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I miss her
KAte i miss you
you are my love my friend my other half.
your too far away.
I hurt when your gone. and you have been gone a long time.
U understand me you love me.
You R everything to me.
WHy did you leave so far away.
Its been way to long
i cant do this without you to much longer.
i need you by my side
I need your words your encouragment your love your advice.
I need you to go get a beer with and just be real. theres no one else like ya you see.
come back to me. Were not meant to be apart for this long....
I hate that your across the states. I hate that i dont know when i will see you again.
I love you
kate....
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